This is one of my really long self indulgent, me trying work something out in my head so feel free to stop reading posts, but as a use this blog for my journal most of the time once in a while these things happen.
It is probably the time of year, that I have been having these feelings, it seems to happen that way every year, but most of the time I am fine but like I said I am a festerer and a stuffer. I tend to over obsess over things but then I decide I am over it (and I really am not) and then I stuff it down only for it to rear its ugly head sooner or later.
John and I were talking last night at a rare alone time and I mentioned in passing that someday soon I would like to buy myself a baby, now that is not as horrible as it sounds it is just my way of dealing with things that are hard for me to say using humor (I do this alot) and he said yeah I actually had a dream about that the other night, to which I was shocked! I didn't know if he ever really thought about it much, it is something that is really so painful for both of us that we rarely bring it up. But we went back and forth about how we would love it, but how it is really nice to be past the diaper, formula, baby proofing, christmas tree is safe stage. I also like to be the go to guy when it comes to babysitting for my family and friends.
But we both miss our little girl we never got to meet. She is still very much part of our family, even though John and I try to keep it at bay we feel her often. She would have been turning four this year and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I feel her with me often and especially right now when I am kinda going through a spiritual train wreck. I pride myself on being strong and FINE!! (I'm fine how are you?...(NOT)) But it is still very hard and I have to wonder if it will ever get better and I am starting to think it won't. That we just have to move on with the hope and prayers of things to come.
We love our kids so much and know we could have love for more, but we just can't get to the point where we could make a decision about it. I am not in the greatest posistion to recieve "answers" right now. But part of me also knows that I LOVE MY JOB!! and even though I know there are people who are a lot more quailified than I to do it. I see many kids who need love at school too, and maybe I am there for a reason, because I am a softy when it comes to them and they need to smile too. I have had the oppurtunity to see a couple of my students around town and they make my day with their smiles and waves. And if we adopted I would definatly come home to stay with the baby.
All of these feelings seem to overwhelm me this time of year because this would have been Olivas's birthday, and really everyone is pregnant! Please don't get me wrong, I am seriously so happy for all of you Ann, Stacie, Patrice, Shelley and all the recently born babies too. It is just the tinge on your heart strings when you see cute baby clothing at the store and know you will never have a reason to bring it into your home.
I have to remind myself I am seriously so blessed to quote one of my fave blogs, I was told I would never have children and I have been blessed with three fairly easy and very healthy children. And I have a wonderful husband who loves me stuffing and all which is more than I could ever hoped for. I have wonderful friends and an amazing family on both sides. And like I said I love my job! and the people I work with and kids are the best! So I will continue to plug along and keep looking for guidance and try to improve myself spiritually while I try to decide what to do.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas Season and please know I am so grateful for all of you.
8 comments:
I love you Shannon. You rock my world everyday. I don't know how you could possibly think you aren't in a position to receive inspiration....clearly you received it and wrote this very touching post which helped little ole me. I am so grateful to have you in my life and I know that Olivia watches out for your family (you especially) because I feel her presence too sometimes. What an awesome Mom you are! I love you to bits and the end of the world and this much and your guts and and and. ♥ ya!!
oh yeah, and that "I'm fine" part totally reminded me of Nicole's lesson in R.S. where she was telling about being on FIRE and saying, "oh no, I'm fine. Really. everything's just fine." It still makes me laugh everytime I hear someone say they are fine when you know that they totally are NOT!
You will be in my prayers!
Shannon, I didn't know this about you. I would love to know more about Olivia - without trying to be nosy.
You are in my thoughts & prayers.
Hi Shannon-
At the time you lost your little one I didn't know you very well and I never called or stopped by (even though I thought about it many times). Over the few years I have thought about it more though and I have wondered how you were doing with it. I am so sorry that you lost her.
You and John are great parents and your kids are proving it. They are so great, I love watching them in primary. I'll be praying for you as John ponder which direction you want to take.
Merry Christmas!
Shannon,
Dude's perspective... Damn. That was deep. Think about you guys all the time. After reading, I just lobbed up a quick prayer for your fam. Miss you guys.
The Irreverent Reverend.
Don't know what to say but if we were in the same room, I'd give you a squeeze.
Shannon, I know how you feel (TOTALLY, 100%). I love you, and I think that not only are you a great mom, but you are THE GREATEST music teacher EVER! Thank you for being so great to my little guy- words could never describe how grateful I am for teachers like you.
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